Affirming Existence

                  The title alone was enough to draw me in. Not to mention the bright turquoise cover, gold embellishments, '80s writing and the drawing of a kick ass Indian girl on the front cover. But the title and sub-title really got me, because it spoke to a lot of stuff I'm thinking about. "Tina's Mouth, An Existential Comic Diary." Wow. To fully understand the title, I looked "existential" up online. It turns out that existential means "of, relating to, or affirming existence" (merriamwebster.com). Or, as a character in the book, Mr.Moosewood so aptly puts it, "find{ing} true and authentic meaning and purpose to your life."As I mentioned, I've been thinking about a lot of questions referring to the idea of existing.  For example, why am I here? What is my place in this world? How can I do something that makes my existence worthwhile? This book really helped me delve deeper into my questions. I'm not saying it answered them, it didn't. But it did help define my thoughts a little more, and introduced me to new ways at looking at the world through existentialist glasses (existentialist, a person who thinks about existential things). 

             Tina's Mouth takes place in sunny California. Tina is 15 and the youngest in a family of five very different people. Her parents were a product of an arranged marriage and she has a square older brother and an artsy hippie older sister. Tina has a best friend named Alex (she and Alex form the "clique of two" as Tina calls it) and a crush on a boy named Neil. However, Alex drops her for a "self-obsessed clotheshorse" named Claudia and a new boyfriend. After moping around for a while, Tina is inspired by her existentialism teacher Mr.Moosewood to get more involved. For a while, it works. Tina gets the lead in the school play- even though she has to get fake- raped by the disgusting Ted Fresh- and makes friends with Hollis McAdams, a popular alternative deep-thinker. Tina also gets to go on a date with Neil and they start semi-going out. However, Neil ends up hooking up with Hollis at a party and Tina is alone again. Prompting she and Alex make up. However nothing will ever be quite as it was again. Throughout the book, we see Tina's assorted family members and how she solves their weird problems, and them hers.

              As someone who has been thinking very existentially, I wonder what Tina got out of her experiences. The end of the book shows Tina in almost the same position as in the beginning of the book. The last words we read are, "this is only the beginning." So, has Tina gotten anything out of her existentialism class? I think that the author formatted the pages in the beginning and end of the book for a reason. It is so that we can see that Tina has come in a full circle. What I mean by a full circle is that she  started out happy, then went through a lot of complicated issues and events. Now Tina is back at the beginning, she has moved through all of her problems and is ready to keep going on with her life. But, the picture is not exactly the same, because that picture is not the last page. The very last page shows an envelope. Tina is mailing her diary to Mr. Moosewood. I think this symbolizes her closure, and how she does not need the diary any more to express herself, she can do it in her life. 

               This is one of the changes that Tina went through. At the beginning of the book, and through to the end, Tina writes down everything about her life and her thoughts about her life in her existential diary. She talks to the diary when she has no friends, or when she feels like she has nothing to do or participate in. I think that, by sending the diary off, Tina is realizing that she needs to go out in the world and be a participant. Tina has been writing all about her existential thoughts, but the truth is, how will you know the purpose to your life if you are not leading a full life? Although Tina does not know the purpose to her existence, she finds that she needs to be in the world if she is going to figure out anything at all. Mr.Moosewood says, "you have to figure out how to be." and how can you figure out how to be if you are not out there and being yourself?This is a really huge change in Tina, and I think it is better that she realizes this.

Collateral

                 When I was eight years old, I got sent to a different world. My mom kissed my cheek, told me I was going to be fine and left me in front of the door. This gateway, portal sucked me in with the spoken words, "Shalom Rachel!" And so began what I felt like was a dual life. It didn't matter that this world was across the street from my school or that it physically existed on planet Earth, in Park Slope, Brooklyn NY. I seemed to leave Zoe Fruchter behind whenever i transversed the boundary that seemed to surround PSJC, my other world. The temple (PSJC) made me feel small, the sheer weight of religion and tradition bore down on my eight-year-old shoulders like a yolk. I had a different name, Rachel, a different family, Yonina, Yakov and Leah and different friends and teachers. The food was different, kosher, the customs were different, even the alphabet was different. In my other world I was Zoe Fruchter, daughter of Lev and Jill sister of Ella. In my other world I was smart, in this one I could not read or write. In my other world I had friends, I was outgoing and I prospered like a flower bathed in sun synthesizing all information and experiences, with all of the materials I needed. Here I was minuscule, unimportant, an outsider who nibbled on fake Oreos in the bathroom because there was no one to play with. I was a flower in the winter, isolated, devoid of my societal nessecities bending under the weight of the frost. The two places were so different I distinguished them as separate universes.
                     Religion is odd like that, it makes you unsure of who you are, of why you even exist on this planet. Of whether you even have any power to change who you are the actions you take in your life. Religion makes you question all that you once held certain in your life. Judaism gave me a new name, language and culture. Later I would learn how to integrate these things into pre-existing life, but at eight it felt uncannily like I changed every time I kissed the mezuzah on the arched doorway and entered hebrew school.
                 Hannah, in A Time Of Angels by K. Hesse is weighed down by her religion. Growing up in plague ridden Boston at the time of World War II, Hannah is weighed down enough as it is. She pretends to be a boy as to keep a job as a paper boy (adolescents who hawked news headlines in order to sell periodicals to the public), evading the groping hands of her supervisors and waking up at dawn to provide for her haphazard family consisting of her beloved sisters Libbie, Eve, her Tanta (aunt) Rose and Rose's companion of sorts Vashti. Hannah mothers her sisters in spite of hardworking Rose's insistence that she leave it to Vashti, who Hannah believes to be "like a buzzard" or parasite that sucks the life out of everything that she knows to be good about the narrow world that is all that Hannah knows.
                However, Vashti is not the worst thing out in Hannah's world, influenza is a threat much worse than any one person and when Hannah's cherished Tanta and sisters fall prey to it, Hannah is left alone with Vashti, the one person in there family who is selfless enough to send Hannah away from flu riddled Boston, to the country where the plague cannot touch her no matter how much her blood family pleads for her to stay with them. When you love someone, it is the hardest to let them go. You want them so badly that you cannot send them away, even though it is the very pinnacle of love: letting go.
                  So Hannah is alone, on a train to be entrusted into the care of a strange family, she turns to her faith her religion. The fact that it was so hard for her to do this. She "wrestled with the unknown force, whose magnitude of decision and aftermath seemed of greatest weight and caused the greatest of terrors to a girl who survived only by focusing on the path just in front of her."She is torn because her closest person, her aunt told her to pray to God for deliverance but Hannah is not sure if she can. By choosing to accept religion, you are choosing to accept that you are not in control of your life anymore. Hannah has survived her harsh world purely relying on her own wits and talents, to give up this control is like betting your life on something. You are completely at a loss for jurisdiction concerning yourself, but you have something to blame when things go wrong.
                   Hannah is at a loss for what to do, she wants to respect Tanta Rose's memorie but cannot bring herself to relinquish her firm belief that she can decide her fate. But subconsciously, she transcends into a dream world. She begins to see angels everywhere saying "powers once unknown to me now look like the works of a phantom hand, one that cradled Tanta Rose..." in other words, God. Hannah describes her acceptance of a higher power and joining a new society and seeing a new world. I think that Hannah had to completely let go of what she had known before in order to survive her present. The past was weighing her down. And the idea of religion was weighing her down because it was bonded with the past. Yet be releasing her past as the thing that shaped her essence of self, she could embrace a belief that could lift her away from her loss.
                  So although I am not sure whether I have accepted God I understand what Hannah means when she describes religion being a different world. Its such a controversial and relative thing, the cause of so many conflicts, yet some say it heals. Its something so different from everything else that it becomes, in a sense, a different existence.