The Bind

  What binds us to our siblings? To our parents? We grow up with these people: confine ourselves in a house with them, we love them unconditionally. And why? Is it a habit of accustom? Studies have shown that certain phermones and smells emitted by parents bond them to their children, but beyond science there is an unjustifiable bond in family, something so hard to break that even when your family is as scattered as your monster addicted mother's brain after a line, they affect you deeply and irrevocably.
                I just finished reading the book Fallout by Ellen Hopkins. I've read her other books and skimmed through this one, but had not read it in full. Curious to see what happened to Kristina, I picked up the lyrical third book in her much vaunted  series and found that this book follows the lives of her three oldest children. I left Kristina when she was 19, with a one year old child and pregnant with a baby girl. Hunter, her eldest child, lived with her parents at the time. Kristina is going to jail and is at a loss of what to do and Hopkins picks up the story with Hunter, now almost 19.
                 Hunter is struggling with his relationship with his girlfriend, Nikki, and smokes pot (though is not really addicted). He doesn't know who his father is because his grandparents thought it best to not tell that he was a product of rape.

Hopkins then switches to Autumn, Kristina's second oldest child. Autumn has OCD and is living with her paternal grandpa (Trey, Kristina's former boyfriend's, boyfriend's father) and her aunt. Autumn lives a sheltered life, until she meets Bryce. Bryce is her first love, her first sex and her first date all rolled into one.

Finally there is Summer. Summer is living in foster care and has had a tough time. At 12 she was raped by one of her foster parents and has been moved from town to town ever since: a product of one of America's most inept systems. Summer has a boyfriend named Matt but is in love with his best friend, Kyle.*

One thing stood out to me in the book. It is a line from a poem from Summer (about Autumn):

"On the surface she is nothing like me.

But just below the skin,

we find a connection. I shudder

to think why that might be, because

our common denominator is

someone I don't want to resemble."

This line makes me think about what it must be like for the characters, to have a connection to someone which you don't want to have: to have a family you don't want to discover. However, somehow, I feel that these characters are who they are because of this connection. As I stated before, the bond that tethers them to each other is a part of who they are, something that is irrevocable.
                 Take Hunter for example, he feels lonely and left behind by his mother "spinning in a whirlwind of her dust". He craves affection from his girlfriend but it isn't enough. He cheats on her with groupies when she isn't enough. I think that he is searching for someone to fill the hole Kristina created. Because no matter what mother figure in his life tries to fill his hole, she is still not his mother.

Another example of this is Autumn. Autumn has OCD and, although she doesn't say it, she blames it partly on her mother. After all, Kristina was the one who dumped her with her boyfriend's father and never looked back. Autumn has grown up under her Grandpa's micro management and her Aunt's love. Autumn has such a dysfunctional family that she feels that everything else that can be perfect should be. Kristina was the one who left her here, so it's Kristina's fault.

Finally there is Summer. Summer, who has had the worst life of all. Summer, who knows a lot about her past but nothing about her future. Summer, who sees her mother sometimes and always ends up yelling at her. Behind the yelling, though, I see need. Need for stability in her life, need for someone to love her. Maybe this is why she runs away with Kyle. Kyle loves her, or does he? Will Summer get hurt even more? But most of all a Summer who needs a future so badly that she runs so far away that she almost dies. Summer wants to forget so much about the past that she is willing to do anything for the future.

However, though Kristina wrecks havoc through their lives, there is some of Kristina in each of them, whether they know it or not, that unalterable bind that will remain a part of them forever.

*Kristina has two other children who live with her and her boyfriend Ron.

The Ones Who Built the Fire

            Today I decided to take yet another trip down memory lane and revisit the girl who was on fire, who is still on fire in the minds of some. Yes, you know who I'm talking about, Katniss Everdeen.

            You've all heard of Katniss Everdeen. She's the girl who survived the hunger games. Twice. She the subject of the love of two desirable guys. She is a deadly weapon disguised as a human girl. She is confused, she is hurt. She is lovesick and furious, dangerous and sad. She hates humanity, she loves it. She is a turmoil of emotions. She confides in no one. Not even her parents. family. When you read this your mind probably flashed to your own. Annoying dad, patronizing mom, we all know the story. However, you probably have memories of hugs, words whispered to you at the dead of night when you are scared of the dark. Kisses dropped on your skinned knee. Parents are meant to love you. You can confide in your parents, and hopefully they will help you. However, Katniss, who has been through so much, doesn't confide in her parents. Rereading the Hunger Games, I looked closer into the dynamics of Katniss' relationship with her parents, the ones who built the fire that would become a powerful inferno.

        First, I looked at Katniss' mother. The book never mentions her name, is this a reference to how removed she is from Katniss' life? Well, she certainly is removed, ever since Katniss' mother fell into depression, Katniss is filled with mistrust for her mom. I think that Katniss and her mother should have worked harder to rebuild their relationship. Though no one could fathom that Katniss would have to compete in the Hunger Games, life in district 12 is tough, and a 16 year old girl needs someone to confide in. I think that things could have worked out better for Katniss if she and her mother confided in each other. If Katniss had talked to someone about her tepid relationship with Gale, maybe she would have felt less guilty about kissing Peeta. If Katniss had talked with her mother during the time she spent in district thirteen, maybe she would have been more mentally stable. And if she and her mom had had a better relationship, she might of had someone to support her when Prim died. Instead, Katniss began a descent into madness. Everyone knows that mothers baby you sometimes. Katniss was never babied. She always had to be mature and responsible, way beyond her years. Katniss was resentful of this, it turned her into the hardened killer who won the 74th Hunger games. And as she has said many times, "no decent person ever wins the games."

          Then there's Katniss' father. The one who died when Katniss was 11. If Katniss' father was alive, then the story might not have happened. Mr.Everdeen would have been the main hunter for the Evergreens and Katniss would not have to shoulder that responsibility. Mr. Everdeen would have put food on the table and cared for his daughters. If Katniss' dad was still alive, Katniss' mother would've never fallen into depression, causing Katniss and her mother to still get along. Katniss loved her father, he would have counseled her to the best decisions, and she would have felt safe. On the other hand if Katniss' father lived, she wouldn't have had all of the opportunities to practice hunting, as he would have been the main hunter. Also, Katniss wouldn't have become so hard and invincible. She wouldn't have been the vicious killer who won the games.

            There's no denying that parents are annoying, but they give you more help than you give them credit for. Supporting parents can help so much in a time of need. If Katniss had had a different parental situation, her life would be so much different. Katniss needs her parents, she just doesn't know it. And even though Katniss thinks she has more romantic love than she needs, she needs some parental love too.

The Perfect Summer

       When Zachary Beaver Came To Town    by Kimberly Willis Holt is about a thirteen year old boy named Toby and one life changing summer. Toby lives in Antler the, "boring-est town in the world." And he can't wait for summer. But even though school has let out Toby still has some troubles, despite the care free warm months he imagined. Among them are his best friend Cal's brother Wayne, who joined the army, whether the "amazing" Scarlet Stalling will ever like him, if his mom is ever going to come home and the self proclaimed "fattest boy in the world," Zachary Beaver.

       Toby, though he thinks of himself as normal, helps many people in small ways that add up to something greater. And the way he does this is even more impressive. For even though Toby has a lot on his mind, he manages to overcome his own feelings in order to give someone the help that they need. For example, Toby has a huge thing for Scarlet Stalling, but when her ex-boyfriend Juan comes dejectedly asking for help, he orchestrates a rendezvous between Scarlet and Juan to get them back together. I think this is because Toby recognizes that Scarlet will never like him in that way, and that she does however like Juan. Toby wants Scarlet to be happy, so he does the thing that will make her (not him) happy. Its a selfless guesture, but one Toby has resigned himself to. And because of this, he can't enjoy their happiness, he gets no reward, furthering his suspicion that life will never let him have the one chance at a perfect summer.

          Another example is Toby and Zachary. Toby and his friend Cal were pushed together with Zachary by the town Sheriff, but they began to genuinely like Zachary. Yet, Zachary has been nothing but abrupt and mean to Toby and Cal. I infer that this is because he is not used to people actually wanting to do things with him and does not know how to act around Toby and Cal, or because he suspects that they actually do not want to hang out with him, but are being forced to. Its easier to push someone away then to let them in and get hurt. Sure you might never have a real relationship but you will also never get hurt. However, despite Zachary's grumbling and insults, Toby still helps Zachary get Baptized, a lifelong goal of his. I think that Toby recognizes Zachary's fear of people actually liking him, because he has no one who ever has, his parents died. Toby wants to make Zachary see that people can be good and that Zachary isn't just a lonely freak.

           Toby also helps people in seemingly small ways,when he plays catch with the old crazy Judge, he furtively steps forward so that the Judge can catch the ball, making the Judge smile for once in a long time. Toby also writes letters to Wayne in the army, pretending to be Cal so that Wayne will get the news of home that he asks for as Cal refuses to write to Wayne. Toby sees what people need and helps them, but he cannot help himself. The one problem Toby hasn't solved is how to deal with his mothers absence.

         Toby's mom Opalina, went to Austin to win a country singing contest. Toby doesn't know how to deal with her absence, and his touchy on-edge dad. Toby doesn't know how to help himself out of the mess that is closest to home, even though he can help everyone else. This often happens with oneself, its easy to see everyone else's problems if you try hard enough, and helping them comes naturally to Toby. The problem is, he can't see his own problem, can't identify it, so he can't solve it.

           Control is a tricky thing. It is something that many desire, but it is also something you can never truly have. Life is always going to change, there are always more surprises and variables out there. The world is fraught with distrust and imperfections but its the only reason to live. Toby thinks he didn't have the perfect summer because all of his carefully controlled plans didn't work out. But what if it was? When Toby stands at the edge of the pond, sopping wet and muddy, he says "There is a rip in my pants, just where they always ripped and Mama used to fix them, and I know she never will. But when I look around and see the ways the sun looks on the water, I feel for once like I am happy."

Collateral

                 When I was eight years old, I got sent to a different world. My mom kissed my cheek, told me I was going to be fine and left me in front of the door. This gateway, portal sucked me in with the spoken words, "Shalom Rachel!" And so began what I felt like was a dual life. It didn't matter that this world was across the street from my school or that it physically existed on planet Earth, in Park Slope, Brooklyn NY. I seemed to leave Zoe Fruchter behind whenever i transversed the boundary that seemed to surround PSJC, my other world. The temple (PSJC) made me feel small, the sheer weight of religion and tradition bore down on my eight-year-old shoulders like a yolk. I had a different name, Rachel, a different family, Yonina, Yakov and Leah and different friends and teachers. The food was different, kosher, the customs were different, even the alphabet was different. In my other world I was Zoe Fruchter, daughter of Lev and Jill sister of Ella. In my other world I was smart, in this one I could not read or write. In my other world I had friends, I was outgoing and I prospered like a flower bathed in sun synthesizing all information and experiences, with all of the materials I needed. Here I was minuscule, unimportant, an outsider who nibbled on fake Oreos in the bathroom because there was no one to play with. I was a flower in the winter, isolated, devoid of my societal nessecities bending under the weight of the frost. The two places were so different I distinguished them as separate universes.
                     Religion is odd like that, it makes you unsure of who you are, of why you even exist on this planet. Of whether you even have any power to change who you are the actions you take in your life. Religion makes you question all that you once held certain in your life. Judaism gave me a new name, language and culture. Later I would learn how to integrate these things into pre-existing life, but at eight it felt uncannily like I changed every time I kissed the mezuzah on the arched doorway and entered hebrew school.
                 Hannah, in A Time Of Angels by K. Hesse is weighed down by her religion. Growing up in plague ridden Boston at the time of World War II, Hannah is weighed down enough as it is. She pretends to be a boy as to keep a job as a paper boy (adolescents who hawked news headlines in order to sell periodicals to the public), evading the groping hands of her supervisors and waking up at dawn to provide for her haphazard family consisting of her beloved sisters Libbie, Eve, her Tanta (aunt) Rose and Rose's companion of sorts Vashti. Hannah mothers her sisters in spite of hardworking Rose's insistence that she leave it to Vashti, who Hannah believes to be "like a buzzard" or parasite that sucks the life out of everything that she knows to be good about the narrow world that is all that Hannah knows.
                However, Vashti is not the worst thing out in Hannah's world, influenza is a threat much worse than any one person and when Hannah's cherished Tanta and sisters fall prey to it, Hannah is left alone with Vashti, the one person in there family who is selfless enough to send Hannah away from flu riddled Boston, to the country where the plague cannot touch her no matter how much her blood family pleads for her to stay with them. When you love someone, it is the hardest to let them go. You want them so badly that you cannot send them away, even though it is the very pinnacle of love: letting go.
                  So Hannah is alone, on a train to be entrusted into the care of a strange family, she turns to her faith her religion. The fact that it was so hard for her to do this. She "wrestled with the unknown force, whose magnitude of decision and aftermath seemed of greatest weight and caused the greatest of terrors to a girl who survived only by focusing on the path just in front of her."She is torn because her closest person, her aunt told her to pray to God for deliverance but Hannah is not sure if she can. By choosing to accept religion, you are choosing to accept that you are not in control of your life anymore. Hannah has survived her harsh world purely relying on her own wits and talents, to give up this control is like betting your life on something. You are completely at a loss for jurisdiction concerning yourself, but you have something to blame when things go wrong.
                   Hannah is at a loss for what to do, she wants to respect Tanta Rose's memorie but cannot bring herself to relinquish her firm belief that she can decide her fate. But subconsciously, she transcends into a dream world. She begins to see angels everywhere saying "powers once unknown to me now look like the works of a phantom hand, one that cradled Tanta Rose..." in other words, God. Hannah describes her acceptance of a higher power and joining a new society and seeing a new world. I think that Hannah had to completely let go of what she had known before in order to survive her present. The past was weighing her down. And the idea of religion was weighing her down because it was bonded with the past. Yet be releasing her past as the thing that shaped her essence of self, she could embrace a belief that could lift her away from her loss.
                  So although I am not sure whether I have accepted God I understand what Hannah means when she describes religion being a different world. Its such a controversial and relative thing, the cause of so many conflicts, yet some say it heals. Its something so different from everything else that it becomes, in a sense, a different existence.